


Lost entries

by xwithlovemdx



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Journal Entries, Other, i wrote most of this at 2 am, undertale - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 05:45:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7496166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xwithlovemdx/pseuds/xwithlovemdx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lost entries from the journal of W.D. Gaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost entries

19  
A very interesting proposal has been brought to my attention.  
The proposal of time travel… of a mysterious power… I shall call it “Reset.”  
I used to disregard it as fantasy, an old myth.  
But that was many years ago.  
How my eyes lit up as we discussed it further and further. As I revealed my endless fascination, my rudimentary sketches, my chicken scratch work and theories. How long? How long had this subject consumed my every thought? Too long. Enough to almost give up and then… a purpose! A reason to rekindle and continue my work!  
27  
Channeling rage, channeling resentment into work… It’s what I’ve always been good at, I suppose.  
And how indescribably happy I am. This joy… never would I have guessed that it was like this. The creation of a life. I can’t say what drove me to do it. Loneliness, maybe. A way to gain emotional control once more. Most of all, it might just be a simple need to feel love once more. So many were lost, so many have drifted into a depression or states that seem to be permanent.  
He’s sleeping now. His soft snores audible, even in the silence.  
My soul reflexively contracts. It’s painfully sweet. I can’t help but laugh.  
What a blessing children are in this Godless world.  
39  
And there are those who will understand, and many more who won’t. And we have been isolated…  
52  
And how can one let go of something so… pure?  
So as not to taint it…  
Perhaps…?  
58  
The research I’m doing…  
I fear for my safety. More importantly, I fear for their safety. My researchers, whose lives are in my hands.  
I will send them away tomorrow.  
But, for the first time in my life, I am fearful. I am fearful of what effect my death will have. If I don’t return home one day.  
I have caused this pain, and I have driven us into a situation which has no desirable outcomes. All possibilities have been exhausted, and the only one I would prefer is still… heartbreaking. But it’s the least dangerous.  
It pains me deeply, but I am in too deep. I entered this work, this research, with no intention of becoming what I am now- a father, responsible for two lives I value over anything else. Lives I refuse to sacrifice, even for the greater good.  
There has to be a better way… I refuse to continue this research.  
62  
I can’t go on. I’m being driven mad.  
All I can think is… how close… I am. To both. Success. Failure.  
If I succeed fully. What then? We will fight. Yes, maybe not lose as many lives. Maybe have some victories, some genuine hope will be born, perhaps even...  
But no. I see no outcome that will guarantee Peace and Freedom for us. There’s no escape. This wretched fate has claimed us. Inevitable. Inevitable…  
And what if we do win our right to stay above?  
The existence of my children… erased. Can I bring them back? Will I remember too…? I’ve forgotten before. I’ve forgotten so many things before… I’m not even aware of what I have successfully recovered. Have I remembered all… or nothing?  
But what is existence, anyway, without the sun? Without the endless sky to paint figurative wishes on? My mind whirls with so many voices screaming “WHAT IF” Until I feel as though crying out in agony would be the only way to keep me… sane.

???  
I know now what I must do.  
There has to be another way. I admit that this might be a selfish choice, fueled by a father’s blind love. I have to find a way to reverse the manipulation. I have to…  
just please, please don’t let me risk the death of my children. Don’t make me choose…

79(?)  
And every letter is deliberate. And there are feelings so far away from where language can reach and decipher and mold into something exchangeable that I only hope that you can divulge my tired old tune, my off key old melody, from the tremors that engulf me late at night, the small vibrations, the tap, tap, tapping that claims your conscious ever so briefly, for only a moment, from the safe embrace of sleep, and I can only hope that somehow, at some time, you will finally understand what it all means to me. Everything I’ve worked for, fought for, and what I will inevitably destroy myself for. Oh, do not cry. Dry those tears and, please, let me hold your cold hand one last time. Let me revel in my pride and love, and let me cherish what precious moments I am being granted, if only so little, and yet they are so sweet, so lingering that the saccharine taste in my mouth will never sour. The tranquil tune in my head will never die. And really, isn’t that all that a monster can ask for in this world of savage humans?

???  
And I am unclear on when my next bout of insanity will overtake me. As the world melds into deeply pigmented colors and an endless display of random lights. I am in an old seabed, dried and cracking, the carcasses of long dead fish immortalized in gasps, begging to have their sudden deadly thirst quenched. The pain of it, the absolute terror…

55  
“Aren’t you late?”  
The earth shuddered.  
My heart broke for the fallen.

???  
And what did it ever feel like? To laugh? Oh, it must have felt like flying! It must have felt like you would never feel pain again. It might have sounded like candy and felt like a song.

???  
And once more I will wither as the pain pounds in my skull. The heat envelopes me until I am nothing but and it defeats my original purpose.

???  
My dears, wait for me.  
My dears, whisper once more for me, “everything will be… okay.”


End file.
